For some reason, having my hands in warm running water while looking out my kitchen window at the first signs of spring reminded me of my friend Elizabeth's house in Bolinas, California. Maybe it was the way the wind was tossing the branches of trees around in the sun, reminding me of that bright, blustery coastline. Maybe that combined with the warm water and reminded me of sitting in her hot tub that looks out over the ocean. I felt a wave of longing to go back and be in that magical place again.
And then, a realization dawned. The last time I was there, it didn't feel magical. It was last Christmas. Had the chill in the air and flat silver light of winter been to blame? I turned my mind back to...
the mornings curled up warming hands around heavy mugs of tea as we sat in our pjs along her window seat, looking down through rain splattered glass to the roiling waves beneath her cliff. Another surge of longing, loving longing. So why? Why had I been grumpy, slightly annoyed - at best slightly numb - throughout my most recent weeks there, in spite of being surrounded by dear friends and familiar rituals and, let's face it, one of the most gorgeous rustic environments imaginable?
Without even consciously realizing it, I had sort of assumed it was Bolinas and everything about it - that the shine had worn off, somehow. That maybe the last visit had been a futile "chasing the high", trying to recapture the fun, joy, lightness of previous visits and that it just couldn't be done. Time to move on. Time to find another magical place. There's only so much magic in each place and when you use it all up, it's gone.
Without consciously realizing it, I had blamed Bolinas for what was really going on inside ME.
Amazing that this can still happen, after all these years and so much Tapping. I can still make the outrageous mistake of jumping to the conclusion that external conditions are dictating my internal state. I was recovering from a breakup when I was in Bolinas last Christmas. I had gone there certain that Bolinas would work its magic and smooth away the residual negativity I was still carrying. Sure, I'd done a fair bit of Tapping in the months before the trip, and I didn't feel depressed at all but I know now I was still expecting the remaining clearing to be done for me, by the environment. And then, when it didn't, I blamed the environment!
Now, all these months later, having completed the processing that needed to happen (through a combination of Tapping, time, journaling and spiritual practice) and feeling light and joyful and playful and adventurous and generous again, my front yard beckons, going to the movies beckons, going for fun drives beckons, having get-togethers with friends beckons - and Bolinas beckons. And I know with absolute certainly that it has not lost a single iota of its magical shine. If I could be there right now, I'd splash through the waves and jump at the chance to walk the dogs on the beach and explore with renewed interest the nooks and crannies of a tiny town I've explored many times and - I could go on. Just thinking about it, I'm practically writing a love letter to the place.
And I am once again reminded of how we humans can so easily be seduced into blaming what's outside of us: our partner, the weather, our job, our living situation, the state of the world... because all those elements cannot possibly look or feel magical to us when we're carrying unprocessed internal negativity.
So, next time you notice that something which once bedazzled you has lost its appeal, please remember to ask yourself if you are asking it to make you okay - when maybe you have to be okay before you can see its magic.
And then you can re-remind me.
This is a repost from my blog on www.onemindlive.com/hosts-posts